Vivian and I were on our way to dinner when she asked me if I'd mind if we stop at a shoes store, something about a sale on red open toe shoes from Italy and whose duration (the sale) is only one hour, between five and six. (You, women actually fall for such stupid gimmicks!) To which I'd said, "Yes, I'd mind!" (Vivian and I had been friends since I was seven and she was five, so I can say things like that to her.)

Fifteen minutes later we were in a women shoes. Of course, they were all out of the red open toe shoes from Italy. That fact, however doesn't stop her from trying on shoes at the shoes store. She tried on black ones. (She already has three pairs at home). She tried on navy blue ones. (She was wearing the identical one when she walked into the store.) She tried on open toe shoes, non-open toe shoes, none of which were made in Italy. (What's wrong with shoes from Venezuela?)

An hour and a half later (and three phone calls to reschedule our reservation), we walked out with two pairs of black non-open toe shoes from Mexico. (Now, she has five, count them, five black non-open toe shoes.) Then, she turned to me and asked, "Do you like them?"

That's when I made my mistake. I pointed out that she now has five pairs of black non-open toe shoes which look identical. The twenty minute drive to the restaurant turned in to a master's degree thesis defense of how the five identical shoes are different (something about the height of the heel).

After we were seated and were waiting for our drinks, (you guessed it) she had buyer's remorse. She started to talk about taking them back. Fine! The store closes at nine thirty. We'll have plenty of time to eat a leisurely dinner and stop back at the store.

"No!", she said. "I want to try them out for a week and if I don't like them, I'll take them back."

I was horrified, "You can't do that! You can't take back shoes that you've worn for a week!"

"Sure, you can!", she said, "That's part of the store's policy. If you don't like them for whatever reason, you can take them back. What if they weren't comfortable; what if they stretch and don't fit after you wear them!"

"What do you expect the store to do with the used shoes! They can't resale them to unsuspecting customers!"

"Sure they can, they do it all the times."

"That's not right! A guy gets a pair of shoes; he wears them, whether they are comfortable or not, whether he likes them or not. A guy doesn't pass off used shoes to another guy! Hmm... with the exception of Bill Clinton. But, he's not a real guy. He's Hillary's puppet."

"Well, that's stupid!"

"What do you mean stupid! What if the previous wearer has bad foot oder! What if he or she has uncontrolled fungal growth... epidermal bacterial infection... viral infected puss oozing from between his or her toes where he or she's been shooting acid."

That's when it hits me! There must be a direct physiological link between the female shoe buying psychological disorder and the swapping of shoes! ...an hormonal imbalance due to the presence of fungal, baterial, or viral infection! This disorder immobalizes all mental processes when the victim sees the juxtaposition of the two words, "Shoes" and "Sale". Men are not affected because we don't swap shoes!

There could be a epidemic out there and the American public aren't even aware. This is BIG! Bigger than Aids! Quick someone calll the U.S. Center for Disease Control. Are they in Atlanta or Greenbelt? If you know call them, NOW! Just, tell them,

"Shoe... Fungal growth!"

Then, the appetizer arrived. Vivian had made the selection. It had some green mushy stuff in it.

"Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom to puke."


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